#15 from 21 Before 21: Get closure on any past unhappiness

I have been avoiding writing this post for some time and that is probably because it is a bit too personal and I absolutely hate getting emotional but I am finally at that point in my life where I feel like I can actually share it with the world.

I moved to the United States about 10 years ago and before then I was sexually abused by someone who is now sort of like an uncle by marriage. It happened a few months prior to me moving to the U.S. and I can honestly say that I am glad that it happened. Crazy, I know. I do not wish that it happened but because of this experience I have grown tremendously and I honestly would not be here, right now, in this moment, if I was not sexually abused.

I am who I am now because of this particular experience. Every move that I have made, make, and will make, is because of what happened to me. I often do not tell people because I do not like to be pitied so I tend to just keep it in unless a situation arises where I feel like it is important to share.

For so long I kept it a secret from my nuclear family because I felt as though we did not need another "issue" to disrupt our already disrupted family. In 2013 I traveled to Los Angeles, California with my mother to receive an award from Nestle USA  for my "outstanding academic achievement, my commitment to my community, and for being a selfless leader." You can watch the highlights of the 3-day event here: Nestle USA: Nestle Very Best in Youth. We were given magazines as part of our welcome package and in my biography they wrote about me being sexually abused and I was angry and upset because my mother did not know and she was a few seconds away from reading my biography. I called the Vice President of the scholarship organization but could not reach him and voiced my outrage via email. I guess I felt betrayed because I never gave them consent to use that story and they did so without any prior notice. Because I wanted my mother to hear it from my mouth, I rushed and told her a few seconds before she opened the magazine.

When I arrived back home, my sister also read the magazine and found out. Till this date, I am not sure if my father knows because we never spoke about it. I gave him a copy of the magazine but I am not sure if he read it. If he did, he never approached me to ask about it. And honestly, I am completely fine with that. Just imagine how that conversation would go. YIKES!

As I am making my way to Ghana right now, I am honestly scared because I do not know how I will react when I see this so called 'uncle' of mine. I do not know if I will ignore him, shout at him, or just smile at him. But knowing Samuella, I will probably bow down and greet him and chat like nothing happened. Because I am past that. I am past all of the hurt and I honestly just want to live again.

There are consequences after the incident that I still battle with on a daily basis but I am really thankful to God for bringing me this far. For allowing me to live and not jump in front of a moving train so many times. For allowing me to put the blade and knife down when I wanted to end it all. For teaching me how to smile again when all I wanted to do was frown. And for teaching me to be humble in order to ask for the help when I so desperately needed it.

For me, this is my way of getting closure on this particular unhappiness. I can ask him why he chose to do that but I really believe it would be a waste of my time and I just do not want to know. I have thought about it on numerous occasions to tell my father in order to get the "justice" I "deserve" but that is only because I do not want him to do the same to other young girls. That will be the ONLY reason why I would bring this situation up again and for him to face his consequences. I hear that he is happily married now and I really wish him nothing but the best.

I hope he is content with his life and I will continue to pray for him.

Sincerely,
Samuella