State of Solitude: Part 2

When I was a child I had this idea that the world would never end - that we would all live forever. Even though I was part of the Children's Movement at our church and went to Sunday School every single Sunday, I never really believed my Sunday School teachers when they spoke about Judgment Day and the works. I guess you could say I was not really bothered: I thought all of my friends and family would still be together even after Judgment Day and everything would be perfect.

Little ole Sammie! But boy was I was wrong.

As I got older a lot of people close to me started to pass away and it was rather unfortunate because it could have been prevented but due to the lack of resources and technology at most hospitals in Ghana, they could not be saved.

One of my closest friends from primary school passed away due to a brain tumor. He would often complain that he felt like his brain was exploding; as he would put it, "Mi ti 3shiiii (my head is burning) but no one took him seriously and by the time the doctors found out it was way too late.

For quite some time I became so immune to death that I was not surprised when I heard that someone whom I was close with had passed away. It sort of became second nature and I literally programmed myself not to feel anything because it became quite unbearable.

Fast forward to ending of 2014: when my maternal grandmother died I felt like the entire world paused (I really doubt it did but that is what it felt like). I did not want to do anything, talk to anyone, see anyone - nothing, nada.

After coming to terms with the death of one of my older brothers and my little sister, I really thought I had figured it all out but losing my grandmother opened a door that I thought was closed forever.

I am now starting to finally feel again and I remember the feeling of nothingness, numbness, wanting to hurt myself, all at the same time, entirely too well.

Till this date I am still trying to process all those who I have lost. It is just really sad when you migrate to another place in hopes of making something for yourself with the intent of going back home but then those back home start to perish. It makes you want to give up.

And yes, I will admit I have those moments. But these "moments" are starting to turn into days, even weeks, when I feel like I don't really "care" about school or working hard or anything for that matter but I know deep down it is just my own way of dealing with everything. Everyday I battle with myself not to give up.

I guess our internal battles are the hardest battles after all.

Sincerely,

Samuella